Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
Did you get drunk last night? You put Christian lyrics as your fb status again.
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
Does she usually listen to trance and cut up broccoli when she's high?
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
Randomize
