Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
Lol i'z typing this with my 962 nose
962=my?
Yeah.i
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
i lost his rear view mirror, your phone charger, and my lesbian virginity. 21 isn't shaping up too well so far.
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
Randomize
