and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
I have had it with that bitchy sack of crazy. Iam done!
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
Randomize
