I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
haha i took a picture of myself naked on her camera
She didnt have a camera...
she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
I'm storing dick pics, so basically if I'm still single after residency...ur gonna get bombarded. It's gonna be a blizzard of dicks.
Feel free to keep your blizzard of dicks to yourself.
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
Randomize
