Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
So, my first week in Saskatchewan ended with me drinking moonshine and getting eaten out in a tractor. I already love it here!
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