dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Randomize
