I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
You know your from las vegas when the girl on the stage in the strip club was in my US gov class senior year
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
Randomize
