Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
Full bush! Can't stay! Need ride! Come on bro!
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
Hello my rib-scented angel!
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
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