Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
Randomize