Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
Really? You have stories that rival having a threesome with the two best friends of the guy your kinda seeing? Thats impressive.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
I took a hang over nap infront of the door to my 9am class
i am willing to donate my body to this science experiment when it means free blowjobs
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
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