and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
Who put my cat in the fridge?
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
Randomize
