so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
we just pregamed for our presentation... gotta love group bonding
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
I'm a grown ass woman. Treat me like one. Fuckboy
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Randomize
