I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Randomize
