He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
to do: lose virginity to hamster dance
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
When a guy invites you to dinner and breakfast the next day it's implied that he's going to make some sweet loving in betwixt correct?
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
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