got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
This place doesnt have redbull or serve shots. Its like they are at war with fun.
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
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