I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Randomize
