Never fear I pulled out... she had "lies about taking birth control" written all over her
I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
I'm currently trying to figure out how I woke up naked and handcuffed to my bed. Not real worried about class right now.
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
I'll be honest with you, my dick was out at that point in time.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
Randomize
