the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
Randomize
