I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
Best friends brother. Beat that.
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
No, its ok. Im playing strip pretty pretty princess im currently dueling for the crown
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
In honor of Randy Savage we're wearing spandex and handing out slim jim's with option to suplex. Get behind it
Randomize
