i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
I mean it's a good blow job, but it's not worth the four hour round trip.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
Randomize
