Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
Randomize
