I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
How big of a disservice to the economy would we be doing if we didn't drink every day holiday break?
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
My Dicks been hard all day. Poor guy isn't used to vacation being over
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
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