3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
I'll be honest with you, my dick was out at that point in time.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
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