I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
The guy i fucked last week got done first on the test in my 900 person class. If im pregnant at least it will be smart.
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
Randomize
