Who said anything about talking that was a booty call
can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
I've never watched DWTS before, but this show's got Pamela Anderson, Erin Andrews and Brooke Burke: 3 of my top 10 all time most masturbated to women.
She's a Laker fan, her sister is a Celtic fan... no matter who wins I'm getting a celebration bj from one of them!
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
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