In line at the arbys drive thru on foot. Legendary.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
I think I just sharted jello shots
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