She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
splinters make it hard to masturbate
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
His car is carseat is compatible. I checked while we were banging in the back seat...
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
asked the girl next to us on line to take a picture of us and she shared her bacardi. i love white people.
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
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