I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
Randomize
