i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
I thought I had fell out of his trailer but he says I tried to ninja kick his TV stand saying those girls hula hooping were trying to seduce him. There wasn't anyone else there.
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
This is going to be a 3 day beach sex fest. Do you understand
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
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