you have to choose: penises or morals?
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
Randomize
