yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
when we got back we had sex. but it wasnt til the morning that i figured out her leg was broken
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
Just did the walk of shame in front of his dad while I was wearing his gym shorts and my heels from graduation last night. Keep it classy '12
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
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