how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
Randomize
