There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
Well regardless of which drugs we choose to do tonight until four in the morning, we are having a wii bowling championship. So choose carefully.
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
