UPDATE: In a passionate fit of self love, I brought myself to orgasm under the moon on my 7th floor balcony, ejaculating between the rungs towards the ground.
Unfortunately, I did not realize that most of it would end up on the balcony below mine.
At least you don't cum in color.
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
Randomize