The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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