I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
I have pink band-aids all over my body, WHAT HAPPENED?
Keg backpack and a Bike
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
Having to do the walk of shame on crutches was defiently a first for me. cheers to the governor, klove
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
Randomize
