You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
Well I'm glad to hear the fight wasnt over his small dick.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
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