I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
We are brilliant. We call it the pint walk. Killing a pint of vodka while we walk from cleveland park to dupont. just making mama proud
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
I need ecstasy. And, before you ask, the answer is yes right now
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
Randomize
