Your favorite bartender is back from prision
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
I have seen you puke and 5 mins later rock my world. So there is hotness there that average people will never see..
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Randomize
