i wanna do a homemade sex video in sepia and pretend were in the early 20th c
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
it's great music for shaving your balls
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
Your english degree would kill itself if it could read that text.
maybe a couloe typos.. noooooooooo big deal
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
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