i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
you don't understand, he speaks spanish and is tall. i have to do him.
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
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