i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
Randomize
