if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
Dude I'm telling you, conditioner is the best for jerking it in the shower. It feels great and afterwards everything is all smooth
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
And. I know i am a gay man cause when i saw the pic of his cock his feet were in it and i am like what the fuck?
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
Randomize