Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
was his dick as big as our hopes and dreams?
Dangr zzzzzzzzone
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
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