Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
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