I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
Brickbreaker makes my post drinking poops that much better. Sorry, I had to tell someone who might agree.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
Randomize
