We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
Ive waited a long time for a girl with prescriptions like yours.
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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