so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
Randomize
