so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
Randomize
