I'm pants shitting drunk right now
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
Soooo we should kick it sometime when it's like light outside. Drink outta cups.. Be bitches. 7, 6, 3, 5.. 4, 2, 1... Sschhkiddaellladiieessscchk
There's a guy in a life size dick costume, and two guys with white shirts that are each half if a pair of breasts in a red bra lol. They came separate but when they saw each other there was some titty fucking in the street, it's only 11
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
You were trust falling into bushes
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
While walking to class I was handed a red bull, condoms, and a mini bible. I love my school.
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
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