You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
Randomize
