so I found out that he is the older brother of a friend of mine from high school
awkward
no it got awkward about 40mins later when he invited me to stay the night...with him and his girlfriend.
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
You made out with two different species that night
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
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