Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
I needed to bring way more fireball to class to match this professors intensity
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
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