I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
So did you grab that log full of poison ivy for the fire and then apparently take a piss on Saturday night too or was that just me?
will we ever learn or are we destined for a life of poison ivy covered balls?
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
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