I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
just found out this city drinks more beer during oktoberfest than rhode island does in a year.. i'm never leaving
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
This guy is walking around with a deer head on. Honestly what the fuck
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
Im part way to drunk.
Randomize
