how do you clear previous safari searches on an iPhone? i asked my brother to google something for me and "big penis" "empire chinese food" and "reverse cowgirl" popped up.
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
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