I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
He must be back home now. He moved his box of beer from her porch to ours.
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
Randomize
