Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
Randomize
