My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
Last week in my political science paper I quoted the Mighty Ducks. This week, I compared the Constitution to a weird pickle law in Connecticut (by law, it's not a pickle unless it bounces). So, yeah, clearly I'm ready to be back to being a college student.
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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