He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
Randomize
