she kept yelling 'call me bella'
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
I think ur a lot drunker then u think u are. That girl has the body of a cartoon character and not in a good way.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
