Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
I'm going to use this quarantine time to improve my blowjob skills.
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