So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
Randomize
