And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
Randomize
