It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
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