I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
No that means he must've used the nipple clamps
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
I have no idea. But I feel like I could climb a mountain and then have sex on it.
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
Randomize
