I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
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