I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
Actually some of the best sex I've had involved a lot of laughing.
How small IS your cock?
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
He made me choke him and call him Papi..so all in all a good night.
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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