There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
If i pass out for a while at graduation, please atleast TRY to wake me?
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
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