mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
'twas the night before moms weekend and all were blacked out. Not a coug was sober not even farm house. I was down to fuck but you were not in sight, so I bid pullmania a sweet goodnight.
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
Randomize
