Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
COCAINE IS GR8
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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