I just showed my boobs to our astate representative hahahahahahha
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
Threesome in a minivan. New low
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
Randomize
