instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
he had hair everywhere except his balls
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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